Script for Santa
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Opening SequenceEdit

Amir: Ho ho ho! Merry Jake-and-Amirxmas.
Jake: Bad pun.
Amir: Bad you.


(Amir is in a conference room when Jake walks by. Amir frantically calls Jake's name.)
Jake: What?
Amir: Wassup, dude?
Jake: Not much, dude. I was just walking back to my desk and you started freaking out and calling my name. Pretty much nonstop—
Amir: Cool, cool. Since you're here, could you please proofread this for me for a second? So.
Jake: Oh that's kinda cute, it's a letter to Santa. Who are you writing it for? You? Okay, now it's just sad.
Amir: Lemme just know if there any typos, please.
Jake: The whole thing is really really aggressive.
Amir: Which part?
Jake: Read back the first sentence.
Amir: "Listen up you fat bearded fa***t, I've been naughty this year, but I'm not gonna sugarcoat it: I still want all the toys." So.
Jake: Right, yeah. This is bad. I hate when you, like, don't get something, but you're also angry about it. It just feels, like, dangerous.
Amir: Take a seat.
Jake: I'm sitting.
Amir: Exac—okay. That's what that means.
Jake: Sure, yeah. So you believe in Santa.
Amir: Yes, I—I believe in Santa! That's not the issue, okay?
Jake: Trust me, it's the issue.
Amir: So...
Jake: You know you're Jewish, right?
Amir: I also recorded this.
(Amir shows a video of himself on the laptop)
Video Amir: Hey buddy! Yeah, it's me. This isn't a jar of milk and cookies, no. It's a video letter. And you know what? Straight up? I've been a bad boy. But bad boys want all the toys. So drop the bag down the chimney, leave the sleigh and the reindeer, and go your fat ass to home. Are you gonna not drag your fat ass home, you fat fooy? Yeah! That's what I'm saying. I want the toys! I want all of them! I just do!