Script for Emails
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Opening SequenceEdit

Jake: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
Amir: Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.
Jake: Good, great job.
Amir: Likewise.


Jake: Wow, this is a very strongly worded all email—
Amir: What?
Jake: It's a very strongly worded all email.
Amir: Thank you.
Jake: Yeah. You know everybody at the company gets those, right?
Amir: I do. Now I do.
Jake: So 120 people just read your email: "Who the f**k stole my headphones? Return them at once or I'll kill you."
Amir: Pay to play, baby. Pay to play... baby.
Jake: They're around your neck. You were just listening to music on them.
Amir: No.
Jake: You also just said "pay to play", which doesn't make any sense in this con—and here's another all email from you: "The coward thief has emerged from his cave of lies to return my headphones. For a picture of this villainous foe click here."
(Jake clicks, and Never Gonna Give You Up plays)
Jake: And it's a link to the Rick Roll video.
Amir: Pay to play!
Jake: You just wrote another email—I don't know how you're sending them so fast—but this one's a picture of Kayne West and it says, "Hey headphone thief, I'm really happy for you and I'mma let you finish, but the Hamburglar was the best thief of all time." Nice.
Amir: Rick Roll'd, bitch!
Jake: I think you're like one step behind me, alright. People are responding to be removed from the thread. So maybe just—okay, here we go: "Who dares asks to be removed from this thread?"
Amir: Yeah.
Jake: You can see it, you can see exactly who sends the emails.
Amir: Show yourselves.
Jake: Don't send that. Just put your hands up, alright. Stop typing. Okay, so you wrote "never". Respond verbally, to me.
Amir: You know what—you're right, I'm just going to start unsending these, one by one.
Jake: You wrote "unsend". You keep sending the word "unsend". "Unsend, unsend, unsend. Please do not read, I'm begging you. The villainous foe is still among you, just kidding." Stop! Just stop it. Okay?
Amir: Alright, you know what, they want silence? If they want silence, I'm gonna give them silence. I'm gonna give them radio silence! Not word one from me, not a peep, starting, now.
Jake and Amir: Now. Now.
Jake: Now. You're sending emails. "How do you like that? Do you like being ignored? It sucks, doesn't it? Two can play the quiet game."